[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”