According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
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Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower