Name this drama.
You Might Also Like
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.