Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”