There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
True
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My inexpensive home security system…
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.