I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
respect
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…