My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
What if all the cashiers are married?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No