*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate