Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER