Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
You Might Also Like
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
@funTweeters
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold