Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
You Might Also Like
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”