The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.