[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
You Might Also Like
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I put the mess in domestic.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.