“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face