[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.