A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
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[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.