“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
That was easy.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive