Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
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Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
sugar glider wrangler
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”