I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
i smell a pulitzer
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.