How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Breakfast for Stoners:
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.