I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
This is a sub tweet
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.