ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.