[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
sir, my pâté if you please
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.