Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.