Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
sry
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
welcome back
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.