My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”