I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.