Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
me linking you to my twitter
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
no one ever comes back
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.