*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me too
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?