gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
You Might Also Like
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Encore…
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent