Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
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My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.