-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
bias laundering edition
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
This kid is a star!
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.