Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
at ease…shoulder.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.