my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Y’all ready for this
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians