Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
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Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?