6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
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Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
lol
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
me, too, girl. me, too.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge