Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Happy Febuary everyone!
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???