All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
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me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
No. He’s not coming out to play
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality