My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Me if I was a dog
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog