“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool