6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
That was easy.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.