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Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Carpe DM
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.