me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit