He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
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Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Mad Max: Furry Road
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him