Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Namaste
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.