The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or