When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.