Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?