friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
You Might Also Like
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.