I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Challenge accepted.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy